Sense of self....(13.6.25)
Sense of self....(13.6.25)
By way of a recent conversation, an excerpt from some writing I began years ago. This snippet is about how our sense of self is developed, and the caregiving conditions that are optimal.
By definition, if these conditions aren't met, a child/adult may experience their sense of self as brittle - built for ‘survival’, rather than allowing ease-of-being.
Often, people arrive in therapy with a wish to take action, and not just talk... They often have a point. However, an overemphasis on "doing" can overshadow the subtle yet powerful processes of psychotherapy, which often focus on healing deficits in one’s sense of self. This healing unfolds primarily through dialogue, the creation of a trusting relationship where mutual, reciprocal influence between therapist and client emerges. This dynamic connection serves as the catalyst for profound, lasting transformation.
The below was originally written with babies and infants in mind, but the basic point applies to all ages.
---
To encourage a healthier sense of self, we need to understand its developmental origins. This enables us to pinpoint effective strategies to help clients overcome negative patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving, promoting meaningful and lasting change.
Who am I? The emerging self
In the first 18 months of life, a child develops an increasingly complex sense of identity. Daniel Stern (1985) outlined this process in stages: the emergent self, core self, subjective self, and verbal self. Initially, newborns don’t see themselves as separate from their caregivers - they are indivisble from mother. Over time, they recognize a “me” - a distinct person separate from others. Next, they develop an “I”, understanding that they have their own feelings, needs, and desires. Finally, they gain the ability to express these needs and emotions through words, allowing them to interact socially and communicate with caregivers.
The sense of self grows gradually over time. A client remembers sitting with her son, who began talking early, in front of a mirror. At first, he pointed at his reflection and said “Mumma!” not recognizing himself as separate from his mother. Two months later, in front of the same mirror, he pointed and said “Baby!” starting to see himself as distinct. Only later did he look in the mirror, say his own name, and smile with surprise and joy.
A reciprocal process of co-regulation
The bond between a baby and their caregiver profoundly shapes the baby’s developing sense of self. Driven by an innate need for survival, babies instinctively seek close connections with caregivers, who ideally respond with nurturing words, gestures, or touch. The consistency of these responses - whether reliable or erratic - significantly influences the child’s emotional development. Both baby and caregiver mutually influence each other, with the baby’s emerging sense of self deeply contingent on the caregiver’s actions/reactions. Ultimately, the quality of these early interactions shapes the child’s attachment style and foundational sense of identity.
Through continuous, reciprocal interactions with their caregiver, the child's sense of self begins to take shape. When caregiver and child are closely attuned, it fosters an environment conducive to a healthy self-concept, instilling a sense of safety in the child, beginning with their caregivers. High quality attunement nurtures feelings of security. The quality of these interactions significantly shapes the child’s self-perception and, over time, influences their relationships with others (Grossman, 1995). Based on these early templates, the child will 'scaffold' a predictive function within which she will make all manner of assumptions about other people and the world around her.
So the foundation of a strong, connected bond between a baby and caregiver lies in their ability to communicate effectively. Caregivers must attentively observe and respond to the baby’s cues with sensitivity, providing just the right level of care. Their primary role is to recognize the baby’s emotions and respond in ways that convey understanding, using gestures, words, and touch. When this is done well, the child learns it is safe to express their emotional and physical needs openly, without fear of losing closeness with the caregiver. They learn they are a 'good thing' who is worth attending to. This nurturing interaction fosters a deep sense of being loved, valued, and understood, with their needs consistently met.
When caregiving is significantly misattuned or inadequate, the child faces a critical developmental challenge to maintain closeness with an unpredictable caregiver. To cope, the child may amplify their cries for attachment or suppress their needs entirely, sometimes alternating between these strategies (amplifying / deactivating).
These adaptations prevent the child from experiencing themselves as inherently worthy, with needs that others can understand and meet. Instead, they may come to see others - and emotional openness - as sources of overwhelming danger. This kind of early experience shapes a predictive template that influences how they navigate future relationships, and how they will respond/behave within them.
Fonagy (1991) suggests that caregivers foster a secure bond with a baby by displaying specific attitudes that nurture emotional development.
Through words and actions, they validate the infant's distress, demonstrating an understanding of its cause. They then model how to manage this distress, offering a fresh perspective on the situation. Finally, they affirm that it’s safe for the baby to express their emotions, recognizing the “intentional stance" of the child. This means acknowledging the baby as an individual with distinct feelings and the capacity to express them, while also recognizing the baby’s ability to perceive the caregiver’s thoughts and emotions.
A child’s sense of self and secure attachment stem from essential dynamics in the caregiver-infant relationship. These include attuned responses to convey that the child’s emotional and physical needs are recognized and validated. Caregivers demonstrate that the child’s struggles are understandable, explainable, and expressible, often by accurately reflecting on the situation and providing a new perspective. Moreover, caregivers acknowledge the child as an individual with distinct emotions and a developing capacity to discern the thoughts and feelings of others, beginning with the caregiver.
An example:
Scenario: A child runs into the room right now, in an excited way. She stumbles and falls heavily onto her knee, grazing the knee and with a bit of bleeding.
Child: -starts to cry loudly-
Caregiver: “Oh goodness me!” [conveys surprise/shock in tone]
Child: -continues to cry but looks at caregiver-
Caregiver: -caregiver leans forward in chair- [conveys full attention but not panic]
“That really did look like a tumble!” [gives words for what has happened] “Come here, quick!”
– caregiver beckons with hand quite urgently- [closes the distance between upset child and caregiver]
Child: -quickly comes over to caregiver, still crying but calmer now-
Caregiver: “Now, let’s see, let’s take a look at that…. A-ha..yes” [caregiver can cope] “Yes… no wonder you are crying, it was really quite a shock wasn’t it? You weren't expecting to fall!?” [caregiver provides some words to help explain what has happened – it is the ‘shock’ rather than the ‘pain’ of the fall causing the upset]
Child: -nods, crying stopping now, looking upset- “Y..y.yes!”
Caregiver: “uh huh! That’s it, isn’t it. But it did look painful” [caregiver marks emotions, the shock – leading to the tears – but also the pain of the fall itself].
“Now, let me see. I am going to get this tissue here and hold it over your knee because… I think I know a magic word that could help with this…….” [tone conveys coping, tone conveys a change from marking upset to ‘surviving’ upset<resilient response].
Child: “No you don’t!” -suddenly smiling now and tears have stopped-
Caregiver: “yes I do! Here we go…. Abracadabra…..” -presses tissue on knee-
Child: -child laughs at loud-
Caregiver: -removes tissue with a flourish, smiling broadly- “There we go! Now get back to your game!” [strong emotions can be understood, accepted, changed to new feelings]
Child: -still laughing, runs back through to the other room.
In this example, the caregiver responds with exceptional attunement: closing physical distance, offering comforting touch, acknowledging the child’s emotions, and accurately labeling events while providing a reframed perspective. This embodies the “magic” of caregiving - a warm and resilient approach that provides a model for the child. Such interactions, ideally repeated in countless small moments, lay the foundation for a child’s healthy sense of self.
The infant girl’s secure attachment to her caregivers fosters a sense of safety, shaping her expectations of others to be positive and non-threatening. These expectations, grounded in the consistently attuned quality of her caregiver relationships, grow increasingly optimistic and trusting.
---
In therapy, fostering a trusting, reciprocal relationship mirrors the caregiving ideal, offering clients a reparative space to rebuild their sense of self through meaningful conversation and connection. While the focus here is on infancy, these principles resonate across all stages of life, underscoring the enduring power of attuned relationships to heal, transform, and nurture an authentic ease-of-being.
Comments
Post a Comment